now i know why i became what i already was.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
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OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
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No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize