I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
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