hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
no you cant smoke seaweed
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
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He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
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When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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