why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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