3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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