omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
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I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
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You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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