so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
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260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
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We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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