How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize