I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
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How external is "for external use only"?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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