i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
id be glad to
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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