That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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