it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
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in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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