I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
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It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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