I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
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Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
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He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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