do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a waste of cheezeits
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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