could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize