we have officially lost it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
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Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
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Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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