Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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