I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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