I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
They took my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize