i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You smell like stripper and shame
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
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this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
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you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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