Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
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I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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