I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize