WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
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btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
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I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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