You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
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I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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