My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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