i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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