Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
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Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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