the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
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My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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