I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
as a side note pls kill me
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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