Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
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Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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