Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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