Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
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I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
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Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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