Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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