The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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