i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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