Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
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HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
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