I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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