best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
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Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
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I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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