i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
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the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
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pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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