I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
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i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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