so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
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Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
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I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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