the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
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Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
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This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
false alarm, still single
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