fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
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Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
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Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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