Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
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If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
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All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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