I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
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Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
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I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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