Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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