Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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