I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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