My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
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obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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